Tuesday, May 26, 2009 posted by Jen at 5/26/2009 12:02:00 PM
The event last week in Cambridge was fantastic: funny and inspirational and a pleasure to attend, even if I did get totally tongue-tied in the presence of some of my favorite authors (I spent the whole book-signing session asking Tom Perrotta if he wanted a crab puff or stuffed mushroom cap. Of course, Tom Perrotta's reading was about how he does not eat a great many foods. Including mushrooms. Sorry, Tom!)
Best of all, my tell-me-a-joke-for-a-ticket contest netted me tons of great jokes, which I am now delighted to share with all of you, on a rainy Tuesday that feels like a Monday with none of the benefits (am I the only one missing my programs?)
Also, if you are feeling charitable, check out the Free Library of Philadelphia's wish list. As locals know, the library's funding has been cut, and libraries are in desperate need of children's books for the summer. You can find the wish list here. First five readers who buy a book and email me proof at jen@jenniferweiner.com get a signed copy of BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!
Without further ado, a few of my favorites. Winners, your books are in the mail!
A Male Blonde Joke, from Jen McDevitt Moran
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's going on?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone...but just as he's dialing, his 4 year old son comes and says "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten S.O.B.," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"
From Sarah Beal...
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
From my mother's friend and book club member Lynne Hawkins...
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit:
"May I see the new baby?' I asked
"Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
"No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
"WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
From Rhonda Todtman...
Quasimodo was getting on in years and needed an assistant in the bell tower. So he placed an ad, and a few days later a young man with no arms applies for the job.
Quasimodo: Did you even read the ad? You have to ring the bells! Armless Man: Yeah, I read it. Do you need help or not? Q: Well, how are you going to do it?
With that the armless man jumped up and banged his head on the lowest bell and, sure enough, it started to ring.
Q: Doesn’t that hurt? AM: Nah, I can do it all day long. Q: Well, those other two bells are kind of high. AM: If I get all the bells to ring at the same time, do I get the job? Q: Sure.
The man took a few steps back, took a run and a leap and banged his head against the second bell and it started to ring. He then went back as far as he could, ran as fast as he could, jumped as high as he could, but missed the bell by an inch and went sailing through the window falling thirty stories to his death. Quasimodo rushed down to the courtyard where a crowd had gathered around the dead body. A villager called out, “Does anyone know who this man is?”
“I don’t know who he is,“ said Quasimodo, “but his face rings a bell!”
But wait, there's more!
The very next day the armless man’s identical twin brother comes in for the job.
Q: Your brother died yesterday trying out for this job. Armless Man's Identical Twin Brother: My brother was a klutz. What do I have to do? Q: Just get all three bells to ring at once and you’ve got the job. AMITB: No problem.
With that the man jumped from where he was standing and hit the first bell. He took a few steps back, took a little run and jumped to hit the second bell. He then went back as far as he could, ran as fast as he could, jumped as high as he could, but missed the bell by an inch and went sailing through the window falling thirty stories to his death. Quasimodo rushed down to the courtyard where a crowd had gathered around the dead body. A villager called out, “Does anyone know who this man is?”
“I don’t know who he is, “ Quasimodo said, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
From Shannon Benton...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?
"Of course child What may I do for you?'
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' From Lee Ann Axford:
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.
The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
and...
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
Thanks again to all the winners, and thanks in advance to everyone buying books for the library.
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Welcome to A Moment of Jen, author Jennifer Weiner's constantly-updated take on books, baby, and news of the world. Email me at jen (a) jenniferweiner.com.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit:
"May I see the new baby?' I asked
"Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
"No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
"WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'